9/16/12
7pm Antwerp Belgium
I’ve been trying to keep up with our friends back at home. I've been attempting to keep them posted on our travels. The best medium for this has been Facebook. I’m not doing a very good job at this. What I’d give to just make a round of calls, and catch up with a few buds back home—even for a few minutes. It’s kind of funny, when I’m at home I view my phone as the bearer of annoyance, but right now I’d be pretty fucking thrilled to have it. What a conundrum.
Our good friends, Ken and Mariel, will be having their first child while we’re on this trip. Ken and I have been good friends for many years now. He’s very dear to me. He's a constant voice of reason and reassurance. Ken is the kind of guy that lights up a room with his smile. If he's happy, you're happy. What a life changing event for them. Don’t get me wrong, we’re very lucky to be doing this, but it’s hard to miss out on these monumental events that are taking place in the lives of our friends. My friends are family, and though they know I'm doing what is best for me, I still have that feeling that I should be home. Alissa and I have gone back and forth on the whole having children thing. We’ve about decided that we will not be having children. We love that our friends are. I mean, we get to have all the fun hanging out with them, and then we get to say goodbye. We deal with none of the hard stuff. It's a great deal. Though we're leaning towards not having kids we're leaving the door open—with much doubt that we'll be walking through. Ah, growing up. Let’s get weird.
I’m writing this from the courtyard of the squat that I just played. It was an early show. We had a hell of a time finding the venue, as it was housed in a maze-like building with many hallways and entries. It was another bizarre show for me. A bunch of people were there, but when I started playing, no one came in the actual show space. I would say that out of the fifty to sixty people about fifteen came in by the end. They say you can’t win em all, but I wonder if “they” ever had a losing streak?
Dinner was fantastic—mock chicken and veggies. A welcome change from the canned goods we’ve been living off of for the last few weeks. We’ve been offered to stay at the squat, but to be honest its pretty filthy. The bathroom is in an area without lights and it smells like the toilet hasn’t been flushed for years. Can you imagine being surrounded by a smell that equates to a thousand foot pile of fresh shit? Human shit. And you can't see what you're touching. Try it. Really though, try it. I think we’re going to have to ask around for other options. And try not to be rude about it. We’ve stayed in worse places for sure. But that being said, I think we collectively want some comfort in our lives right about now. We're just three crackers in need of a bit of comfort. A little help here.
Tomorrow we head back to Germany! I couldn’t be happier. The beer flows like a river, the shows are great, and the food is amazing. I’m really looking forward to seeing some of the friends we’ve made over the past few years. We may just save this tour yet. We may not. Writing is helping.
9/17/12 Antwerp, Belgium
Cloudy with a chance of thrash
8am
Well, the squat was deemed unfit for us to stay in. Our worries were confirmed when the promoter walked up to us and said “There is no way you guys can stay here. It is very dirty!”. I was a touch more than glad to hear him say that. It was , after all, looking pretty bleak. After making a few calls the promoter, Sam, found us a new flat to crash at. The taker of two wayward Americans and one surly German? Well, they could only be described as Belgian thrashers. A rare species indeed. But they were kind enough to take us in for the night, and even provided some in-thrash entertainment in the form of the tragically B movie Monster Brawl. If you haven’t seen it, do yourself a favor.
I love when you get the sense from someone that their totally comfortable in their own skin. The Belgian thrashers put off exactly that. They just smoke copious amounts of weed and listen to thrash music. For a moment last night, I wanted to stay in thrash-ville, get high, and feel a deep sense of contentment. Though there are times when I feel perfectly comfortable being me, I think these kids have it down. One night in thrash-ville and I’m already a convert.
Alas, we sorrowfully make our departure from Thrash-ville in the morning, and make our way to one of our favorite places... Aulendorf, DE... Back to Germany!!! THANK THE EMPTY FUCKING SKIES!!!
1:45pm
The last five hours of driving has brought us to the halfway point of today’s trek. It’s borderline insane to complain about how exhausting being a passenger can be, but here goes... On this drive I had the luxury of having my own internal dialogue about my irrational fear of heights. Yup, all day to think about nothing and everything all at once. I’ve often felt like the lone voyager—adrift in who the fuck knows where, trying to suss out my very existence. Existentialism be damned. Anyway, I may have deduced my burgeoning fear of heights.
Here goes...
It may sound weird, but it’s less a fear of heights—more a fear of the unknown. The fear of irrationally throwing myself to my own doom for no reason other than I could. I’m not depressed. I’m not prone to random acts of violence against myself, or anyone else for that matter. I’m not sure if this is a normal thing to mull over, as I’m not in everyone else’s heads. I do know that this is the feeling that gives me immediate vertigo. Thankfully, vertigo is something I’m kind of used to feeling late at night—after many drinks. I may have the upper hand, or I may allow my odd physical urge to throw myself from a great height to override my semi-rational thought process. Again, all day to think about nothing and everything all at once. I wonder if Christian and Alissa know that there is a total whack job sitting in the back seat. I’m certain they at least know that something is amiss with me. They have to.